So I've been on the meds for nearly a month now. I can honestly say I don't feel any different on them. I've had my dosage increased from 10mg to 20mg.
I've gone back to feeling nothingness again. Not entirely sure what's kicked it off this time and I have a feeling it's going to get a whole lot worse!
I've been trying to keep myself busy, socialising and whatnot but it hasn't helped much.
I had a chat with my very close friend K recently. She asked me how I felt. I can be almost completely honest with her. I probably could be 100% honest with her since I doubt she's the kind of person who wouldn't use it against me but I thought that with the ex too....!
Speaking of the ex... yesterday would have been our 4 year anniversary. I've been thinking about it a lot recently.
I went round to pick up some post a week or so ago and he told me he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I thought after the break up that nothing could hurt me that bad again and boy was I wrong! Had he punched me in the face, stamped on my head, drew a blade across my wrists and poured acid over me... that would have hurt less than him saying he wants nothing to do with me.
You may think I'm being over dramatic but I can assure you I'm not. This guy got right inside my head. He got under my skin! Yeah I'd been in love before but nothing like this. This was a whole different thing! I trusted him, like I've never trusted anyone before. I could tell him things that I couldn't even tell my closest friends. I would say I was about 90% honest with him.
He'd always told me that he'd be here for me if I needed him. Before we ever broke up he'd often said that there's no way we couldn't be friends after separating since we'd been through so much together.
So, judging by this, it was obvious that I was the one who did something wrong. Once again I fucked things up in my own sordid little way!! I wish I knew what it was that I did but I know for sure there's no way he'd ever tell me.
I wish I'd been able to be 100% honest with him. I really do but I can't even be 100% honest with myself!!
My friend K and I discussed my happiness yesterday. I told her, I honestly couldn't say what being happy feels like. Of course, I've felt happiness to some degree but pure, unadulterated happiness... I have no idea what that feels like or how to even consider going about achieving it!
I always feel that no matter what I do, what I achieve, none of it is good enough. When you spend your life being put down by everyone around you it's difficult to not believe in what they say to you!!
I have a big ego...! Anyone who knows me on a personal level can tell you that! However, not many of them can actually tell you that that ego is just a defence mechanism.
I like to act a bigger person that I know I am. Some may call this narcissistic... people fail to see beyond the wall I put up around myself. In all honesty, the reason I act a bigger person and play the "narcissist" is because if I put on this charade AND if I believe in it then other people will believe in it. This to me is like a comfort blanket. I can wrap it around myself like a protective layer. It means I don't have to let anyone in, it means that no one can hurt me. Unfortunately, there are people who manage to penetrate the layer and screw you over anyway!
On Friday night I wanted to get a good sleep. I was expecting friends over on Saturday and I had to clean my room (a lengthy task!) However, sleep decided to elude me!
I know how a lot of things we feel in life are psychosomatic and I know that probably the reason I couldn't sleep was because I thought I couldn't sleep!! I tried to distract myself by watching films but my mind kept coming back to the impending 'anniversary'. It's hard not to focus on these things sometimes and the more you try not to think about something the more you seem to think about it!!
I was starting to feel the usual pressure that I feel in my body when I need to cut. I was feeling a multitude of emotions and I needed to let them out the only way I knew how... cutting!!
I sat thinking about it for ages! I then took the blade from one of my safety razors. I held it against my skin but I didn't cut. I also had one of my knives, I pressed it into my thumb, causing slight pain but not cutting. Eventually, I fell into an exhausted sleep with both the blade and the knife on my bed!
I felt proud that I managed not to cut but somehow, I also felt weak. I felt like I'd lost. I'm not sure against what but that's how I felt!!
I spoke some more with my friend about self actualisation. This is a psychological theory about having an 'ideal self' and an 'actual self'. Many of us have these 'selves' and we go through evens in our lives that either take us closer or further away from our 'ideal self'. I have come to realise that I don't think I can ever achieve my 'ideal self'. Mostly because some of the things I want to become are actually impossible without some kind of lobotomy!!
However, I have come to realise that maybe it's time to adjust that 'ideal self' and create some goals that I know I can achieve.
I have another doctor's appointment in a few weeks to see how the meds are working. I am hoping they at least have some sort of effect, however minor!!
Until next time...
Keep Smiling :(: